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I watched Dream Scenario, and I actually dreamed about Paul Matthews (Nicholas Cage) several times that night. He was always in the distance dancing. So it wasn't quite like the movie, but it was similar enough to be kind of funny.
Anyways. After those little dreams, I had a different dream.
My parents and YouTuber Ethan Nestor and I walk through a factory. I pass by some old coworkers.
"Film is okay..." I say somewhat dismissively to them.
My coworker's face turns into a frown. I've never known people more passionate about film, so I get it: I've provoked them, perhaps deliberately or impulsively. I'm not sure. I don't understand myself well enough to know.
I see new workers in the lunch room. It's like watching a Mr. Rogers documentary on the workplace. It looks clean and organized. Everyone's wearing a uniform, and no one looks miserable.
Then I get into a yelling match with one of the workers about Buddhism and feel horribly judged for getting angry. I know that a major part of Buddhism is soothing anger and being mindful of hatred and anger. I've heard it called an ignorant addiction. It destroys the clarity of your thinking, but the adrenaline and the power rush gets you high and it becomes a habit. But I get in this yelling match anyway, and I know she knows I label myself as a Buddhist, and I know she knows about the philosophy of Buddhism, so it's humiliating.
Then my parents, Ethan and me drive off to a building that dumps books into car windows like a slot machine. Ethan's infectious laughter rings throughout the car as books pour into his lap. I am proud that he will know that I grew up well-read and surrounded by books, because my parents initiated this trip. So it would be natural for him to assume that they've always done this. I like him and want to be liked by him.
INTERPRETATION
You know, I was never bored when I was watching Dream Scenario, so I think that's a kind of success, but I do have some issues with the film.
For one thing, I was annoyed to see yet another Hollywood representation of mental illness as a root cause of violence. I would say that you can't be mentally well and commit violence. You have to be both suffering and ignorant of others' suffering to be violent. But you definitely don't have to have a mental illness. Most people with mental illnesses are just minding their own business, staying quiet to avoid further discrimination and trauma. It might be harder to manage diabetes than a lot of mental illnesses, especially if the community decides to be supportive with well-funded programs to get people with mental illnesses therapy, housing, and medication. (Which doesn't always happen, but inserting that stereotype about the violent mentally ill person into yet another story just really bugged me.)
Another thing that bothered me about the film was... No one has empathy for this man appearing in everyone's dreams? I find that pretty unrealistic. I think that there truly are good people in the world who will at least give thoughts and prayers even if they don't feel as though they can do any material work to help someone who is suffering. If no one has empathy for you, I'd say you're probably hallucinating, dreaming, or somehow distorted in your thinking about your situation. Or you're in this movie.
Overall, I thought that the film was kind of like an interesting thought experiment about cancel culture and fame, but it was missing some important perspectives.
I did think the lack of empathy for Paul Matthews' apology video was thought-provoking. Whenever I can select the group of people I spend my time with, I will often forget just how narcissistic the general population is. I get the impression from comments online and from hearing drama YouTubers speak that a lot of people have very, very grand expectations for apologies. They want all of their hurting points to be addressed to their personal satisfaction, when that's usually not reasonable. The person apologizing isn't a mind-reader, and probably isn't thinking clearly even if they do know what's on people's minds. A lot of people won't even admit they're wrong at all, so I'm often surprised when people don't recognize the amount of emotional labor it takes for someone to admit that they've hurt someone.
And Nicholas Cage still has pretty eyes.
Anyway, back to the dream.
I think the fact that I'm getting into arguments with both old and new people in my life is interesting. I guess in real life, I'm concerned about not following everything I hear about how Buddhism is supposed to be. I'd guess that that's because I had to be extremely alert and cautious about what I'd say and do with regard to all things wearing the Christian label growing up. I still tip toe around that subject because I did meet some good people in church who I still try to maintain relationships with, and I do try to maintain relationships with my family of origin.
There's a pride/humiliation theme going on in the dream, which I think has to do with some internal need to have others view me a certain way. Growing up, I needed to be seen as a good Christian girl, or I would face brutal, relentless punishment. Not being able to be myself might have gotten me caught up in a habit of trying to get other people to see me a certain way, which can be an ego thing as well as just a memory of blind terror for my safety. This dream could be warning me that they might be entwined in my life.
I'm not even posting about some of the heavier dreams I've been having. But I'm definitely having some very heavy ones the more I pursue my spirituality.
