I dream I had while listening to someone's NDE.

This video is what I fell asleep to.

I fell asleep to Mayim Bialik's podcast again. The guest was describing their NDE (near death experience). 

I dreamed that the reason we come to Earth and live this life is to learn things that have to be learned viscerally as opposed to things that can be learned with head knowledge. 

When I wake up and speculate about why this could be, I remember my own "NDE." The place I went to was such a perfectly happy place. I had such a joyful, peaceful feeling that I don't know how easy it would be to put myself in the place of someone having a breakup and to learn those types of lessons that way. The extreme joyfulness would make it hard. It would be easier to temporarily put aside the joy to learn the lessons from that pain. 

Why would I need or want to learn those lessons if my home is a place of perfect happiness? I'm not entirely sure. 

For me, the lessons and sense of meaning I get from pain come with a lot of time. Maybe even 20 years or longer. I'm currently writing out the story of my life up until my mid-30s, and as I write it, I realize that that's how I've come to view a lot of my pain. I'm glad it's all over, but I'm actually glad I had those experiences. It makes it easier for me to relate to other people's struggles. 

3 dreams in 1 post: being a loser who flies, and the highly misleading horoscope.

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About a month ago, I dreamed that there are 5 levels of communication. At the 5th level, we reach the human limit. We start to enter stuff like telepathic communication of impressions and intuition. After this level, human communication becomes very deceptive on the mind and senses.

A couple nights ago, I dreamed that a woman is telling me my horoscope. And according to that horoscope, I'm destined for creative fulfilment, a soaring artistic career, huge audiences, and financial freedom. 

As I listen, I watch myself going to school and being a small success and enjoying my time there. Then the horoscope ends. I graduate. And now I'm in a tiny micro apartment doing the dishes in a sink with a counter with small, black and white tiles. I say to myself, "I'm thankful for my life here in Seoul, Korea." Then I remember that this is one of the suicide capitals of the world. Will I find out why? A lot of people don't live lives as happy as mine here. Could this be my attitude? My way of looking at the world? Or am I simply fresh and naive? 

I go to the office. I hate my new job. I hate my bosses. I've only been working here for two days, but I start to think of quitting. "Why did I quit my last job?" I liked it there! I decide to quit this job to try to go back to my old one.

And then last night, I dreamed that I was watching this scruffy boy in ragged, baggy clothes. He has shaggy, blonde hair. It feels to him like he's being made fun of as he sits on a couch across from a trio of three well-groomed black girls, but that doesn't quite describe what's going on. Those women are genuinely disturbed about his being there. There are murders that have been happening, and they are really, really creeped out by this boy. They think they have evidence that he's involved. He might even be the murderer himself. But he doesn't take any of this seriously, because he can fly. What does he care about anyone else's concerns when he can fly whenever he wants? 

I experience his point of view as he flies through the cold, dark winter at night in the city. He flies onto the highway. He stops on the ground, but it's not a problem for him to start up again any time he wants.

I don't know what to think about the first dream. It felt like something really interesting was being revealed to me. I had a partner. I did okay with the lower levels of communication, but I felt how confusing it was to try to communicate with the woman telepathically, only picking up on impressions and intuitions she had. They were hard to separate from my own impressions and intuitions. I couldn't tell where she and I were separate and I had a hard time discerning what was true or not.

With the second dream, I had fallen asleep to a video of my horoscope. I always feel like the best astrologers are really good at blowing smoke up your ass. The horoscope was talking about how I'm going to have all this great stuff happen to me, but the reality is, my life is usually lame. It's certainly not the fulfillment of some grandiose fantasy about fame and fortune. 

It's the second part of that dream that really interests me. In the dream, I left a job I liked for a job I didn't like. I feel like I'm not in a secure place with my job right now. It doesn't feel like a stable, long-term option. But I think I'm really going to miss it when my time is up for the experience. Maybe I'll wonder why I ever left.

And then the third dream about flying was a mixed bag. It was tons of fun feeling what it was like to fly, but it was very uncomfortable feeling as though I was being suspected of murder. But I was living a happy life doing stuff I loved, so it just didn't matter how people viewed me, or what trouble I might be in. This carefree feeling is what it's like for me in real life sometimes. I just love my life writing things. There have been times when that was all I had. Sometimes, it's enough. It can carry me through a lot.

I was watching a very woo woo podcast on Mayim Bialik's YouTube channel, and her partner, Jonathan, said that he had a dream about flying last night. I thought it was an interesting coincidence since I don't often dream about flying. So I thought I'd take the time to document my dreams today. 

The Mad Hatter casts a physics spell on us. (dream)

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DREAM

I'm at Costco. One of the workers has been expecting me. She takes me aside and lets me know that someone has ground up the bodies of two murdered people and hidden them in my stuff that's being shelved in a section of Costco. 

"Okay," I say. I was prepared for this. They told me this over the phone, and I've spoken with police. 

The store associate takes me to the part of the store where my stuff is stored. I've got the kinds of supplies they might sell at Home Depot in my spot: lumber, wood chips, a mattress. They pull out the wood chips and show me that there's blood in them. I'm scared that I'm going to see chunks of flesh in them. If they're there, they're well ground up. 

The employees show me the mattress. There's a large, human-sized blotch of blood on it. They're going to confiscate these items. 

Somehow, this is connected to my mother's death, and I realize in that moment that she was murdered by a serial killer. I fall to my knees on the smooth concrete floor of Costco and break down in sobs. 

But I'm not actually feeling any of the emotions I'm going through. It's like I'm watching myself in a movie. But I'm also starring in the movie. Maybe it's similar to being an actor, but you're observing your performance while also experiencing those emotions. But even an actor will be viscerally moved by the emotions they're performing. Not me in this dream! I understand that this is very painful, but I'm not feeling what I look like I'm feeling. I'm an observer.

Then I'm in a back yard with my boyfriend. I pick up and hold a white cat. He transforms into a small Mad Hatter.

The Mad Hatter says that I will be perpetually in motion until I understand what momentum is. I have a vision of myself as having to keep running until I understand this concept. The Mad Hatter says that my boyfriend will keep experiencing force until he understands the force of an atom. I'm not certain what this means, but I think he will keep getting hit with something forceful until he understands something to do with the force of an atom. Maybe the force of a splitting atom. Magical lights surround us and I know the spell has taken hold. 

INTERPRETATION

I understand the part about observing emotions to be related to what I'm learning in my yoga certification course. 

In my understanding of yogic philosophy, a human is three parts: Sat, Chit, and Ananda. Sat is your nature as an eternal soul. You were, are, and will always be a part of the universe. Chit is how you are not your thoughts. You are the awareness behind your thoughts. Ananda is your nature as "ever blissful" or always whole. No matter what traumas you endure, you are always able to experience joyfulness or wholeness again.

I definitely felt like the Costco breakdown was me imagining what being the awareness behind the things that are going on in your material body and in the material world might be like. I watched a video that day about how Buddhist philosophy says that we suffer because we are attached to material things. And I wrestle with that concept, because I know that I suffer physically because I try to use the external world (food) for my internal happiness. And I suffer emotionally because I want my stepfather to live forever. His health is failing. But I also know that I can access a kind of serenity in the midst of struggles and suffering. But it's hard, and I don't always understand what I have to do to gain access. Is it simply awareness that negative emotions are temporary as well?

I think I dreamed about a physics charm because I feel as though I'm having to draw on the grit I developed by being someone bad at math who was majoring in physics. I'm struggling with answering phone calls at a new job, and it's a mental battle. It's an internal reorganization of my confidence, attention, mental endurance, faith, and a reduction of the ego, just like doing anything difficult. But the way I really developed the start of some of these character traits is though sucking at math. I still have a way to go with what it means to really endure until you understand. But that's my task at the moment. 

And it's interesting that it's the white cat that forces me to learn lessons in the dream, because in real life, my cat has forced some pretty significant lessons on me. And he's only about nine! We've got many years to go.

My dad is Chinese and my cat jumps into the ocean. (dream)

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DREAM

I'm on a floating, man-made island. I'm on vacation. Suddenly, a ton of homeless people come and sit where me and my parents were at. We leave because we don't want to get accused of their crimes. 

My fluffy white cat leads me to the stairs we need to go up to get to the main island. Suddenly he jumps in the ocean instead of taking the path on land. The water is clear, turquoise, and there is no turbulance. 

At first, he seems to find some stairs and swims towards them, but then, he deviates. I jump into the water after him, fully clothed. I wonder if I'll drown, but I'm okay. I manage to catch him and pick him up and carry him to the stairs. 

I'm in an office with a black man and his golden retriever. He gives me some advice. 

Then I find myself going against traffic on some spiral stairs again with my parents. It's mostly Japanese businessmen coming down, but a fat, middle aged woman in a huge, flamboyant, puffy red-orange kimono comes down too. Her shoes are pointed, curl and the ends, and are covered in golden beige silk.

I say to my parents, "All kinds of Asians are here in the Philippines, right?" My Chinese dad says yes.

I get absorbed in an eReader with a built-in token. It generates a password for me. I'll have to save it later. Don't want anyone to look up Dr. Alok Kanojia, who put out this eReader. He has gooning videos! And this app is mainly about gooning!

I go up the stairs by myself and end up in the small, cramped apartment of my nemesis acting teacher. There are other people milling around for this class. The decor is slightly themed in black and white with splashes of red. The teacher comes and tells us to play games. 

I empty out a laundry basket of board games. I see something that looks like that caterpillar children's game, Cootie, but it's themed around Beatles trivia. I ask the person next to me who is looking at another caterpillar came if he would like to play this one. We agree to this game, but then the teacher stops everyone and tells everyone but two of us to leave. 

I'm very nervous about this. I believe I'm in mild danger.

I sit in a chair that takes my flying out of there to another place on this metal island. The trip is nice. It's like flying on a plane.

INTERPRETATION

Lately, I've been having dreams that encapsulate my relationships with a broad demographic in addition to revisiting specific relationships I've had with people in my distant past. For example, I dreamed about a nun who had kids to support, and she was having sex and depending on an old boyfriend of mine. I was observing her feelings about sex and romance and this specific boyfriend, and it totally reminded me of my overall, general feelings about how my sexual relationships with men have been over the course of my life.

I think this dream draws out some of my concerns about the responsibilities of pet ownership. I love cats and dogs and animals in general, but I'm not sure I want to be a pet owner again. It's a huge responsibility. You can't really go on vacation without risk. You have to either invite someone into your home or you have to take the animal with you. If your cat jumps in the ocean, you've got to risk your life to jump in there after it. And it's a living creature, so it has a mind of its own (it won't do what you want), and it's prone to getting sick and injured. You can't have just the fun parts of pet ownership, like chilling with your handsome kitty, who's sitting on the counter as you cook breakfast in the morning.

However, in the dream, the golden retriever was of great assistance to the man who was giving me advice. I wasn't exactly sure how the golden retriever was helping him, but I knew it was. So maybe pets give us benefits in subtle ways. 

Certainly, I love experiencing those feelings of love and affection for another being, and I love being reminded of what it was like to have a child's mind. (That's always what I think of when I'm around cats and dogs.)

And then the relationship with the acting teacher was pretty specific in this dream. He got away with bad stuff in one-on-one, private situations. Not stuff that would put you in fear for your life, but you were at risk of being harmed by this guy in lesser, but still impactful ways.

Between sleep and wakefulness. (dream)

Image by Midjourney

Some of the most interesting moments in my life have been those times between falling asleep and being awake. I might be more on the "being awake" side, or I might be more on the "falling asleep" side, but it's always a strange sensation. We should have a word for that. The closest one I could find is "hypnopompia." Google Gemini defines it as "lingering dream logic." 

But the other night, I was lying in bed, and I was almost asleep, but I was awake, and I found myself suddenly bathed in a bright, gauzy, white light. I was laying down, and I could see a small team of about four people standing over me, scanning me with their smartphones. They were very calm and attentive and tried to look me in the eye.

But I was definitely under the impression that these were aliens, not humans, and the smartphones were not smartphones, but some kind of alien technology disguised. 

I wasn't scared. I felt that what they were doing was either benefitting me, or benefitting them--but no one was going to be hurt by this. 

In particular, I remember the girl closest to me. She was very young (maybe in her very early 20s), blonde, with large, blue eyes. She was wearing a hot pink, velvet hoodie. Her hair was up in a pony tail.

It's a little scary to talk about now, but it felt fine at the time. It was like going to see the doctor for a minor checkup. Maybe it was even more than that. Maybe it was more like feeling the comfort of being taken care of by a medical team, combined with the comfort in knowing that there are forces in the universe looking out for you aside from what we can see on planet Earth.

I'm excited to do the coding for an assault rifle. (dream)

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Based on the two dreams I had last night, I think I'm having some kind of crisis about what to do with the remaining 20-30 years of my life. 

Last night, I dreamed that I was at work (not at my real life job and not with my real life coworkers). In this dream, I worked in a windowless bunker. My boss handed me a large, automatic rifle. It looked a little used--a little beat up. The handle looked like it had a rubber grip on it with nicks and scuffs. He said, "I need you to program this. All of this needs to happen..." He hands me a piece of laminated paper. On it is a table that has the descriptive names of various settings for the gun on it. 

I reflexively say, "Sure!" because I'm so excited to be useful to my boss. But I'm even more excited that I'm going to be programming something.

He says, "No one can see you working on it." I nod.

I take the rifle home and I draw the blinds. I start coding right away, excited for the challenge. It's only now, in the quiet and privacy of my own home, that I start to wonder more deeply about why I'm doing this. What's being planned for this rifle?

I woke up, peed, and went back to sleep.

I'm drawing a picture of some love birds with Prismacolor (artist quality) colored pencils. I've been working on two different poses for the love birds, which are green with a light blush of peachy pink and a spot of coral/maroon. Then I realize I've been working on the wrong piece of paper. I have another, larger piece of drawing paper where I've started two other poses for the love birds, with white flowers. 

"That's okay. I'll combine the two so the piece is tall, and there are four love birds instead of two. It'll be twice as nice." If there's one thing the arts will teach you, it's how to put in extra effort without necessarily seeing a payoff.

I'm combing a fringe of yarn in various, neutral shades with my fingers when a man comes up to me, looks at what I'm doing and says, "Oh! Well, you have to do that, don't you!"

Something about the way he said it implies that he doesn't know why someone would waste their time crafting and drawing. But maybe some people just have to be artists, and so... if this is just fun for the artist, it doesn't make sense to pay them to do what they do naturally. 

I'm annoyed, and I say, "No, I don't have to do this!" There are plenty of other things I could do with my time, and I wish someone would be grateful for the time I take to make art.

The dream ended there. 

The thing is, I've always said to myself and others that I do have to be an artist. That I have to write. That I have to express myself creatively. And I do think that in my life, this artistic side is a core component of who I am. I need to balance fun, creative projects with the stuff that actually pays my bills. At this point in my life, it is very clear that my creative work is not the thing that will take care of me, materially. 

But I think the love bird dream highlights two things: I can spend my time doing things other than creating art. The bulk of my time is spent doing non-creative things right now, and I'm surprisingly okay with that. I'm trying to address other parts of my life, like exercise, nutrition, education, and career. 

I think the first dream with the rifle is urging me to take a critical look at the direction my actual bill-paying career is taking me, and not allow myself to unconsciously, reflexively end up somewhere I don't want to be. In the dream, what I was doing was taking me down a path of hurting people. In real life, "the wrong path" could mean a lot of different things. 

And I am trying to avoid hurting people. I had to put aside my ego this week to avoid getting unpleasant with someone. But I felt mad. I've dropped any claim to getting emotionally compensated for that, which is how someone once described forgiveness to me. I like that description, because when I get mad, I often feel like the situation is a power and dominance struggle, there's a winner and a loser, and someone needs to compensate me for the suffering they caused me with suffering of their own.

I've been doing a yoga teaching certificate which started off as a way to get more knowledge about a Satyr Plays story I wanted to write, but has ended up being really good for me in a variety of ways. One of my favorite things about this certificate program is the section and live Zoom meetings on the philosophy of yoga. There's something in the yogic lifestyle called "Ahimsa" or non-violence, which means avoiding hurting people with either words or actions. This is something I want to put into practice in my own day-to-day life. And I think that the less you involve your ego in frustrating situations, the easier it is to avoid reactively harming people. But for me, I think it's something I need to practice again and again to train the nervous system to stay calm in the face of injury. So I had the opportunity to practice this week. ☺

I think the gun part of the dream might also be cautioning me against agreeing to things without thinking more deeply about them.

Spending a whole day at work not knowing what to do. (dream)

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Last night, I dreamed that I was a brand-new receptionist. This is a very basic, entry-level job. I'm dressed well for it in a cheetah print blouse with a nice skirt. I believed that dressing nice like this was a way for me to express my enthusiasm about this job. I look the part! 

Then, right when I get behind the desk, the phone rings. I answer. A customer asks a very, very simple question, but I can't answer it. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I couldn't answer any question that would come across my path. I don't think they trained me to do this, and I'm scared. I'm all by myself at the front desk. There's no one who can help me.

I'm very scared of the scenario in this dream (not knowing what I'm doing and being left alone to fend for myself). I'm scared about other scenarios related to work too, but this one is my main one. 

I can't let this happen!

*Update: A week later, I'm having even more dreams about picking up the phone and being unable to answer people's questions.