Straddling being an INFP and an INTP. (dream)

Image by Midjourney

DREAM

My modern art museum house is burning down, so I strip a painting of its gold foil, so I'll have some money. On the art, the foil is in a small, pouring, glass hourglass--crumpled like tiny Hershey Kiss wrappers. I crumple it all up together, and it's like it used to be a whole sheet. I take it with me on a journey. I'm in long, all-white robes--light for the summer, and I wear white shorts underneath.

As I walk outside in the sun, I pass by a huge parade of Chinese costumes worn by beautiful women with long, elegant necks in white and pink paint.

I forget where I stored my gold. I check my shorts. Still there. 

I'm in a library now. I'm dressed in a black pea coat. I'm on my way out the door, passing the checkout desk.

I can see and hear a male librarian at the desk talking about a senior citizen who is so lonely that he has literally lost his mind. And coming to the library helped him become a little less lonely and regain some of his sanity. 

"And the first thing he asked for was a book on theoretical physics." The librarian slumps over. "Why?"

I understand this to mean that in our society, some of our minds with the most potential and the most energy are suffering under unnecessary constraints. Things like loneliness. It's a waste of life. Why.

I suffer too. I lack time. I waste my time trying to make money. I'd like to check out books on theoretical physics too, but our society values money a heck of a lot more. I feel a sense of pride and yearning about this aspect to my identity.

The library lobby is expansive. The floors are mauve and smooth and have little chips of a darker color in them. 

As I walk to the exit, I consider some things more deeply, like the recent time I entered a playwrighting contest and lost and decided that writing was a waste of time. 

An inner voice starts speaking to me loudly. "You don't value your NFness enough. It's fine for you to idealize your NT interests. There's nothing wrong with that. And you seem comfortable doing it. But when it comes to your NF interests, you're willing to discard them. But your NF side is important too."

This seems like a divine message and I consider it deeply.

I consider how writing that play may have benefitted me. Maybe I learned something about personal expression. Maybe I learned some things I can incorporate into a different project. 

I was just thinking about how not everything is about money. I guess that's fine for me when I think about doing physics, but I just ignore that when it comes to creative writing--which seems inconsistent.

After I walk through the RFID detectors of this beautiful library, I pass by several stores, including a place called "Sound Bar." They sell pancakes with a fluffy spread in the middle along with audio equipment. I remark at what a novel combination this is. I'm certain it helps them to be loved and remembered, and that seems so important to me right now.

INTERPRETATION

Yesterday, I finished the rough draft of my first memoir. I intend for it to be one of three books. And last night, as I was going back over the document, I ended on the chapter about my physics tutor.

I think all the time about how I need to be studying for more IT certificates instead of investing even more time in writing--which is something I've been doing pretty consistently for about 14 years now. I see no material returns from this investment in writing. The only returns are buried deep in my soul due to the power of organizing and articulating my thoughts and feelings. It's hard for me to get over that lack of material benefits for some reason--maybe because of internalized capitalism.

Writing this memoir has taken a lot out of me. It was very hard to do. But I'm proud of this achievement. It feels incredibly validating to have my perspectives on paper and to read excerpts out loud and get an audience reaction. I feel love and compassion radiating from people when I tell my story. It's a high. And I feel like this was something important for me to do.

In spite of these feelings, I lack confidence in the value of doing what my INFP instincts are driving me to do.

Myers-Briggs is another component of this dream. I often test as an INFP, and the description fits me pretty well, but sometimes, and not infrequently, I test as an NT. I'm pretty certain about that IN, but the T versus F is something I don't think I have a consistent preference for.

I met someone else like me in this respect, and it's interesting to observe him. He used to test as an INTJ, but over time, started testing as an INFJ. I can see both in him. He has some of the vulnerabilities and strengths of each, but he doesn't fit neatly into a Myers-Briggs stereotype. So I know I'm not imagining things; people like me who straddle both do exist.

AI and privacy. (rant)

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I was in a class where we had an online discussion board, and I liked my answer, if I do say so myself. 

The discussion was on finding clever uses for AI and the drawbacks to implementing those clever uses. A lot of people like the potential of AI but are concerned about privacy and how people's data will be used.

Here's a reply I posted to someone who had this concern:

I thought your point about increasing the use of AI to the point where nothing is private anymore touches on a deep-seated fear that humans have of being watched. And I started to think about why this is and whether or not this fear can be switched off for the sake of psychological well-being in a society that really is moving toward constant surveillance.

I think that some spiritual beliefs can get us accustomed to the thought of being seen at all times (like belief in an omnipotent God, or belief that we're in a simulation). And that's okay with us, because we assume that a being or beings this powerful would be much more spiritually enlightened than what we see in humanity right now. But when we think of other humans watching us at all times, it's scary. Humans have the option of doing and saying and thinking hurtful things to each other and very often do. This dynamic creates a whole new set of rules than the ones that would be required in a world of perfect knowledge and wisdom.

I think at the bottom of our fears about privacy is a cry for humanity's enlightenment and frustration about what to do in the meantime when we're so far from it. As Sabine Hossenfelder has pointed out in one of her recent videos, humanity has a very serious problem with being able to make smart decisions as a group. So maybe enlightened individuals as opposed to an enlightened humanity is all we can hope for. 

A dream I had while listening to someone's NDE.

This video is what I fell asleep to.

I fell asleep to Mayim Bialik's podcast again. The guest was describing their NDE (near death experience). 

I dreamed that the reason we come to Earth and live this life is to learn things that have to be learned viscerally as opposed to things that can be learned with head knowledge. 

When I wake up and speculate about why this could be, I remember my own "NDE." The place I went to was such a perfectly happy place. I had such a joyful, peaceful feeling that I don't know how easy it would be to put myself in the place of someone having a breakup and to learn those types of lessons that way. The extreme joyfulness would make it hard. It would be easier to temporarily put aside the joy to learn the lessons from that pain. 

Why would I need or want to learn those lessons if my home is a place of perfect happiness? I'm not entirely sure. 

For me, the lessons and sense of meaning I get from pain come with a lot of time. Maybe even 20 years or longer. I'm currently writing out the story of my life up until my mid-30s, and as I write it, I realize that that's how I've come to view a lot of my pain. I'm glad it's all over, but I'm actually glad I had those experiences. It makes it easier for me to relate to other people's struggles. 

3 dreams in 1 post: being a loser who flies, and the highly misleading horoscope.

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About a month ago, I dreamed that there are 5 levels of communication. At the 5th level, we reach the human limit. We start to enter stuff like telepathic communication of impressions and intuition. After this level, human communication becomes very deceptive on the mind and senses.

A couple nights ago, I dreamed that a woman is telling me my horoscope. And according to that horoscope, I'm destined for creative fulfilment, a soaring artistic career, huge audiences, and financial freedom. 

As I listen, I watch myself going to school and being a small success and enjoying my time there. Then the horoscope ends. I graduate. And now I'm in a tiny micro apartment doing the dishes in a sink with a counter with small, black and white tiles. I say to myself, "I'm thankful for my life here in Seoul, Korea." Then I remember that this is one of the suicide capitals of the world. Will I find out why? A lot of people don't live lives as happy as mine here. Could this be my attitude? My way of looking at the world? Or am I simply fresh and naive? 

I go to the office. I hate my new job. I hate my bosses. I've only been working here for two days, but I start to think of quitting. "Why did I quit my last job?" I liked it there! I decide to quit this job to try to go back to my old one.

And then last night, I dreamed that I was watching this scruffy boy in ragged, baggy clothes. He has shaggy, blonde hair. It feels to him like he's being made fun of as he sits on a couch across from a trio of three well-groomed black girls, but that doesn't quite describe what's going on. Those women are genuinely disturbed about his being there. There are murders that have been happening, and they are really, really creeped out by this boy. They think they have evidence that he's involved. He might even be the murderer himself. But he doesn't take any of this seriously, because he can fly. What does he care about anyone else's concerns when he can fly whenever he wants? 

I experience his point of view as he flies through the cold, dark winter at night in the city. We fly until morning. He flies onto the highway in the middle of a snowstorm. It's chilly, but it's not too uncomfortable. He grounds himself at an exit on the highway, but it's not a problem for him to start flying again any time he wants.

I don't know what to think about the first dream. It felt like something really interesting was being revealed to me. I had a partner. I did okay with the lower levels of communication, but I felt how confusing it was to try to communicate with the woman telepathically, only picking up on impressions and intuitions she had. They were hard to separate from my own impressions and intuitions. I couldn't tell where she and I were separate and I had a hard time discerning what was true or not.

With the second dream, I had fallen asleep to a video of my horoscope. I always feel like the best astrologers are really good at blowing smoke up your ass. The horoscope was talking about how I'm going to have all this great stuff happen to me, but the reality is, my life is usually lame. It's certainly not the fulfillment of some grandiose fantasy about fame and fortune. 

It's the second part of that dream that really interests me. In the dream, I left a job I liked for a job I didn't like. I feel like I'm not in a secure place with my job right now. It doesn't feel like a stable, long-term option. But I think I'm really going to miss it when my time is up for the experience. Maybe I'll wonder why I ever left.

And then the third dream about flying was a mixed bag. It was tons of fun feeling what it was like to fly, but it was very uncomfortable feeling as though I was being suspected of murder. But I was living a happy life doing stuff I loved, so it just didn't matter how people viewed me, or what trouble I might be in. This carefree feeling is what it's like for me in real life sometimes. I just love my life writing things. There have been times when that was all I had. Sometimes, it's enough. It can carry me through a lot.

I was watching a very woo woo podcast on Mayim Bialik's YouTube channel, and her partner, Jonathan, said that he had a dream about flying last night. I thought it was an interesting coincidence since I don't often dream about flying. So I thought I'd take the time to document my dreams today. 

The Mad Hatter casts a physics spell on us. (dream)

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DREAM

I'm at Costco. One of the workers has been expecting me. She takes me aside and lets me know that someone has ground up the bodies of two murdered people and hidden them in my stuff that's being shelved in a section of Costco. 

"Okay," I say. I was prepared for this. They told me this over the phone, and I've spoken with police. 

The store associate takes me to the part of the store where my stuff is stored. I've got the kinds of supplies they might sell at Home Depot in my spot: lumber, wood chips, a mattress. They pull out the wood chips and show me that there's blood in them. I'm scared that I'm going to see chunks of flesh in them. If they're there, they're well ground up. 

The employees show me the mattress. There's a large, human-sized blotch of blood on it. They're going to confiscate these items. 

Somehow, this is connected to my mother's death, and I realize in that moment that she was murdered by a serial killer. I fall to my knees on the smooth concrete floor of Costco and break down in sobs. 

But I'm not actually feeling any of the emotions I'm going through. It's like I'm watching myself in a movie. But I'm also starring in the movie. Maybe it's similar to being an actor, but you're observing your performance while also experiencing those emotions. But even an actor will be viscerally moved by the emotions they're performing. Not me in this dream! I understand that this is very painful, but I'm not feeling what I look like I'm feeling. I'm an observer.

Then I'm in a back yard with my boyfriend. I pick up and hold a white cat. He transforms into a small Mad Hatter.

The Mad Hatter says that I will be perpetually in motion until I understand what momentum is. I have a vision of myself as having to keep running until I understand this concept. The Mad Hatter says that my boyfriend will keep experiencing force until he understands the force of an atom. I'm not certain what this means, but I think he will keep getting hit with something forceful until he understands something to do with the force of an atom. Maybe the force of a splitting atom. Magical lights surround us and I know the spell has taken hold. 

INTERPRETATION

I understand the part about observing emotions to be related to what I'm learning in my yoga certification course. 

In my understanding of yogic philosophy, a human is three parts: Sat, Chit, and Ananda. Sat is your nature as an eternal soul. You were, are, and will always be a part of the universe. Chit is how you are not your thoughts. You are the awareness behind your thoughts. Ananda is your nature as "ever blissful" or always whole. No matter what traumas you endure, you are always able to experience joyfulness or wholeness again.

I definitely felt like the Costco breakdown was me imagining what being the awareness behind the things that are going on in your material body and in the material world might be like. I watched a video that day about how Buddhist philosophy says that we suffer because we are attached to material things. And I wrestle with that concept, because I know that I suffer physically because I try to use the external world (food) for my internal happiness. And I suffer emotionally because I want my stepfather to live forever. His health is failing. But I also know that I can access a kind of serenity in the midst of struggles and suffering. But it's hard, and I don't always understand what I have to do to gain access. Is it simply awareness that negative emotions are temporary as well?

I think I dreamed about a physics charm because I feel as though I'm having to draw on the grit I developed by being someone bad at math who was majoring in physics. I'm struggling with answering phone calls at a new job, and it's a mental battle. It's an internal reorganization of my confidence, attention, mental endurance, faith, and a reduction of the ego, just like doing anything difficult. But the way I really developed the start of some of these character traits is though sucking at math. I still have a way to go with what it means to really endure until you understand. But that's my task at the moment. 

And it's interesting that it's the white cat that forces me to learn lessons in the dream, because in real life, my cat has forced some pretty significant lessons on me. And he's only about nine! We've got many years to go.

My dad is Chinese and my cat jumps into the ocean. (dream)

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DREAM

I'm on a floating, man-made island. I'm on vacation. Suddenly, a ton of homeless people come and sit where me and my parents were at. We leave because we don't want to get accused of their crimes. 

My fluffy white cat leads me to the stairs we need to go up to get to the main island. Suddenly he jumps in the ocean instead of taking the path on land. The water is clear, turquoise, and there is no turbulance. 

At first, he seems to find some stairs and swims towards them, but then, he deviates. I jump into the water after him, fully clothed. I wonder if I'll drown, but I'm okay. I manage to catch him and pick him up and carry him to the stairs. 

I'm in an office with a black man and his golden retriever. He gives me some advice. 

Then I find myself going against traffic on some spiral stairs again with my parents. It's mostly Japanese businessmen coming down, but a fat, middle aged woman in a huge, flamboyant, puffy red-orange kimono comes down too. Her shoes are pointed, curl and the ends, and are covered in golden beige silk.

I say to my parents, "All kinds of Asians are here in the Philippines, right?" My Chinese dad says yes.

I get absorbed in an eReader with a built-in token. It generates a password for me. I'll have to save it later. Don't want anyone to look up Dr. Alok Kanojia, who put out this eReader. He has gooning videos! And this app is mainly about gooning!

I go up the stairs by myself and end up in the small, cramped apartment of my nemesis acting teacher. There are other people milling around for this class. The decor is slightly themed in black and white with splashes of red. The teacher comes and tells us to play games. 

I empty out a laundry basket of board games. I see something that looks like that caterpillar children's game, Cootie, but it's themed around Beatles trivia. I ask the person next to me who is looking at another caterpillar came if he would like to play this one. We agree to this game, but then the teacher stops everyone and tells everyone but two of us to leave. 

I'm very nervous about this. I believe I'm in mild danger.

I sit in a chair that takes my flying out of there to another place on this metal island. The trip is nice. It's like flying on a plane.

INTERPRETATION

Lately, I've been having dreams that encapsulate my relationships with a broad demographic in addition to revisiting specific relationships I've had with people in my distant past. For example, I dreamed about a nun who had kids to support, and she was having sex and depending on an old boyfriend of mine. I was observing her feelings about sex and romance and this specific boyfriend, and it totally reminded me of my overall, general feelings about how my sexual relationships with men have been over the course of my life.

I think this dream draws out some of my concerns about the responsibilities of pet ownership. I love cats and dogs and animals in general, but I'm not sure I want to be a pet owner again. It's a huge responsibility. You can't really go on vacation without risk. You have to either invite someone into your home or you have to take the animal with you. If your cat jumps in the ocean, you've got to risk your life to jump in there after it. And it's a living creature, so it has a mind of its own (it won't do what you want), and it's prone to getting sick and injured. You can't have just the fun parts of pet ownership, like chilling with your handsome kitty, who's sitting on the counter as you cook breakfast in the morning.

However, in the dream, the golden retriever was of great assistance to the man who was giving me advice. I wasn't exactly sure how the golden retriever was helping him, but I knew it was. So maybe pets give us benefits in subtle ways. 

Certainly, I love experiencing those feelings of love and affection for another being, and I love being reminded of what it was like to have a child's mind. (That's always what I think of when I'm around cats and dogs.)

And then the relationship with the acting teacher was pretty specific in this dream. He got away with bad stuff in one-on-one, private situations. Not stuff that would put you in fear for your life, but you were at risk of being harmed by this guy in lesser, but still impactful ways.

Between sleep and wakefulness. (dream)

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Some of the most interesting moments in my life have been those times between falling asleep and being awake. I might be more on the "being awake" side, or I might be more on the "falling asleep" side, but it's always a strange sensation. We should have a word for that. The closest one I could find is "hypnopompia." Google Gemini defines it as "lingering dream logic." 

But the other night, I was lying in bed, and I was almost asleep, but I was awake, and I found myself suddenly bathed in a bright, gauzy, white light. I was laying down, and I could see a small team of about four people standing over me, scanning me with their smartphones. They were very calm and attentive and tried to look me in the eye.

But I was definitely under the impression that these were aliens, not humans, and the smartphones were not smartphones, but some kind of alien technology disguised. 

I wasn't scared. I felt that what they were doing was either benefitting me, or benefitting them--but no one was going to be hurt by this. 

In particular, I remember the girl closest to me. She was very young (maybe in her very early 20s), blonde, with large, blue eyes. She was wearing a hot pink, velvet hoodie. Her hair was up in a pony tail.

It's a little scary to talk about now, but it felt fine at the time. It was like going to see the doctor for a minor checkup. Maybe it was even more than that. Maybe it was more like feeling the comfort of being taken care of by a medical team, combined with the comfort in knowing that there are forces in the universe looking out for you aside from what we can see on planet Earth.