Another epiphany. (rants)

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I've had another epiphany recently. It's one that makes me want to create a new rule for myself. 

I'm not in a romantic relationship. But if I were to be in one, I would have to be really careful about who I talked to about it. I wouldn't want to broadcast specific, detailed information about it to a general audience. Because if the people I told had bad judgment or misunderstood the situation, I'd be giving someone incompetent the power to influence my feelings about my partner. And my feelings about my partner would already be really running high. 

Also, if I were to complain about my partner, the instant reaction that would get me is, "Leave them!" But conflict can be a very good thing. It can be a sign of a healthy relationship. 

So I want to keep any current relationships relatively private. Once the relationship ends, I think all bets are off. But for me, I think a current relationship should probably be spoken about with trusted people only. 

So if I want to talk about my feelings about a current relationship in art, I want to keep it pretty highly abstract.

My epiphany for the weekend. (rant)

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This weekend, after suffering heartbreak, then being lifted up by so many friends and fellow creators, and then having my sexual boundaries intruded upon, I have come to an epiphany. Love is the most abundant material in the universe. Why do we treat it like it's scarce? Why do we think that only one person can give it to us? That intimacy and connection can't happen in a variety of ways? Pick up a pen and write. Love can come to us from so many directions. We just can't be picky about the form it comes in.

And we have to release our desire to control others. The more we grasp, the faster they run anyway.

I realized that there was someone whose journey I would have liked to intertwine more intimately with mine. But I doubt that will happen now. He's the same beautiful person who made me feel so intrigued in the first place, but I have to manage that disappointment.

And then there's someone else who knows nothing will ever happen between us, but he keeps persisting. You know you're not getting that type of love from me. There's nothing ambiguous about it. So look for that love and connection in someone else. There's abundant love in the universe. 

Naked at work. (dream)

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DREAM

I'm at work. I sit in a chair next to a coworker's desk and pull out my phone. I start to scroll, but it's only then that I'm aware of my nakedness. It surprises me, but I feel calm and still. It's okay. I don't mind being naked with him and the other coworker beside him. I continue to act naturally. I keep scrolling.

INTERPRETATION

A couple of months ago, I was experiencing a really difficult situation at work, and I came to this particular coworker in a panic. I didn't even think about what I was saying or how crazy or unpopular or stupid or wrong it might make me look. I was totally in the moment because I was having an internal crisis.

I don't exactly know why I went to him in particular. But I know that this particular coworker will give you his focus and attention when others won't. He listened to me, then gave his opinion, which guided me through the crisis. And in the long run, he ended up being correct. In the short run, he calmed my nervous system. 

I'll always be thankful to someone who made me feel comfortable when I was suddenly naked. I'll always be thankful to someone who doesn't make me feel ashamed after I've been naked. 

I think the thing about being naked in front of someone else that's scary is how that person will know every detail of every odd, organic little thing. And every odd, organic little thing can cause an instinctive, visceral reaction--good or bad. But that unique, organic mess is really what makes life interesting and beautiful. I'm in a place where I'm learning to accept that. 

Straddling between being an INFP and an INTP. (dream)

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DREAM

My modern art museum house is burning down, so I strip a painting of its gold foil, so I'll have some money. On the art, the foil is in a small, pouring, glass hourglass--crumpled like tiny Hershey Kiss wrappers. I crumple it all up together, and it's like it used to be a whole sheet. I take it with me on a journey. I'm in long, all-white robes--light for the summer, and I wear white shorts underneath.

As I walk outside in the sun, I pass by a huge parade of Chinese costumes worn by beautiful women with long, elegant necks in white and pink paint.

I forget where I stored my gold. I check my shorts. Still there.

I'm in a library now. I'm dressed in a black pea coat. I'm on my way out the door, passing the checkout desk.

I can see and hear a male librarian at the desk talking about a senior citizen who is so lonely that he has literally lost his mind. And coming to the library helped him become a little less lonely and regain some of his sanity.

"And the first thing he asked for was a book on theoretical physics." The librarian slumps over. "Why?"

I understand this to mean that in our society, some of our minds with the most potential and the most energy are suffering under unnecessary constraints. Things like loneliness. It's a waste of life. Why.

I suffer too. I lack time. I waste my time trying to make money. I'd like to check out books on theoretical physics too, but our society values money a heck of a lot more. I feel a sense of pride and yearning about this aspect to my identity.

The library lobby is expansive. The floors are mauve and smooth and have little chips of a darker color in them.

As I walk to the exit, I consider some things more deeply, like the recent time I entered a playwrighting contest and lost and decided that writing was a waste of time.

An inner voice starts speaking to me loudly. "You don't value your NFness enough. It's fine for you to idealize your NT interests. There's nothing wrong with that. And you seem comfortable doing it. But when it comes to your NF interests, you're willing to discard them. But your NF side is important too."

This seems like a divine message and I consider it deeply.

I consider how writing that play may have benefitted me. Maybe I learned something about personal expression. Maybe I learned some things I can incorporate into a different project.

I was just thinking about how not everything is about money. I guess that's fine for me when I think about doing physics, but I just ignore that when it comes to creative writing--which seems inconsistent.

After I walk through the RFID detectors of this beautiful library, I pass by several stores, including a place called "Sound Bar." They sell pancakes with a fluffy spread in the middle along with audio equipment. I remark at what a novel combination this is. I'm certain it helps them to be loved and remembered, and that seems so important to me right now.

INTERPRETATION

Yesterday, I finished the rough draft of my first memoir. I intend for it to be one of three books. And last night, as I was going back over the document, I ended on the chapter about my physics tutor.

I think all the time about how I need to be studying for more IT certificates instead of investing even more time in writing--which is something I've been doing pretty consistently for about 14 years now. I see no material returns from this investment in writing. The only returns are buried deep in my soul due to the power of organizing and articulating my thoughts and feelings. It's hard for me to get over that lack of material benefits for some reason--maybe because of internalized capitalism.

Writing this memoir has taken a lot out of me. It was very hard to do. But I'm proud of this achievement. It feels incredibly validating to have my perspectives on paper and to read excerpts out loud and get an audience reaction. I feel love and compassion radiating from people when I tell my story. It's a high. And I feel like this was something important for me to do.

In spite of these feelings, I lack confidence in the value of doing what my INFP instincts are driving me to do.

Myers-Briggs is another component of this dream. I think Myers-Briggs is woo woo, but I have a lot of fun with woo woo. I often test as an INFP, and the description fits me pretty well, but sometimes, and not infrequently, I test as an NT. I'm pretty certain about that IN, but the T versus F is something I don't think I have a consistent preference for. (I took one of those free online tests this morning, and it gave me INFP.)

I met someone else like me in this respect, and it's interesting to observe him. He used to test as an INTJ, but over time, started testing as an INFJ. I can see both in him. He has some of the vulnerabilities and strengths of each, but he doesn't fit neatly into a Myers-Briggs stereotype. So I know I'm not imagining things; people like me who straddle both do exist. 

There's never been any doubt that I'm a sexual 5 in the Enneagram, but my Myers-Briggs has never been consistent.

AI and privacy. (rant)

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I was in a class where we had an online discussion board, and I liked my answer, if I do say so myself. 

The discussion was on finding clever uses for AI and the drawbacks to implementing those clever uses. A lot of people like the potential of AI but are concerned about privacy and how people's data will be used.

Here's a reply I posted to someone who had this concern:

I thought your point about increasing the use of AI to the point where nothing is private anymore touches on a deep-seated fear that humans have of being watched. And I started to think about why this is and whether or not this fear can be switched off for the sake of psychological well-being in a society that really is moving toward constant surveillance.

I think that some spiritual beliefs can get us accustomed to the thought of being seen at all times (like belief in an omnipotent God, or belief that we're in a simulation). And that's okay with us, because we assume that a being or beings this powerful would be much more spiritually enlightened than what we see in humanity right now. But when we think of other humans watching us at all times, it's scary. Humans have the option of doing and saying and thinking hurtful things to each other and very often do. This dynamic creates a whole new set of rules than the ones that would be required in a world of perfect knowledge and wisdom.

I think at the bottom of our fears about privacy is a cry for humanity's enlightenment and frustration about what to do in the meantime when we're so far from it. As Sabine Hossenfelder has pointed out in one of her recent videos, humanity has a very serious problem with being able to make smart decisions as a group. So maybe enlightened individuals as opposed to an enlightened humanity is all we can hope for. 

A dream I had while listening to someone's NDE.

This video is what I fell asleep to.

I fell asleep to Mayim Bialik's podcast again. The guest was describing their NDE (near death experience). 

I dreamed that the reason we come to Earth and live this life is to learn things that have to be learned viscerally as opposed to things that can be learned with head knowledge. 

When I wake up and speculate about why this could be, I remember my own "NDE." The place I went to was such a perfectly happy place. I had such a joyful, peaceful feeling that I don't know how easy it would be to put myself in the place of someone having a breakup and to learn those types of lessons that way. The extreme joyfulness would make it hard. It would be easier to temporarily put aside the joy to learn the lessons from that pain. 

Why would I need or want to learn those lessons if my home is a place of perfect happiness? I'm not entirely sure. 

For me, the lessons and sense of meaning I get from pain come with a lot of time. Maybe even 20 years or longer. I'm currently writing out the story of my life up until my mid-30s, and as I write it, I realize that that's how I've come to view a lot of my pain. I'm glad it's all over, but I'm actually glad I had those experiences. It makes it easier for me to relate to other people's struggles. 

3 dreams in 1 post: being a loser who flies, and the highly misleading horoscope.

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About a month ago, I dreamed that there are 5 levels of communication. At the 5th level, we reach the human limit. We start to enter stuff like telepathic communication of impressions and intuition. After this level, human communication becomes very deceptive on the mind and senses.

A couple nights ago, I dreamed that a woman is telling me my horoscope. And according to that horoscope, I'm destined for creative fulfilment, a soaring artistic career, huge audiences, and financial freedom. 

As I listen, I watch myself going to school and being a small success and enjoying my time there. Then the horoscope ends. I graduate. And now I'm in a tiny micro apartment doing the dishes in a sink with a counter with small, black and white tiles. I say to myself, "I'm thankful for my life here in Seoul, Korea." Then I remember that this is one of the suicide capitals of the world. Will I find out why? A lot of people don't live lives as happy as mine here. Could this be my attitude? My way of looking at the world? Or am I simply fresh and naive? 

I go to the office. I hate my new job. I hate my bosses. I've only been working here for two days, but I start to think of quitting. "Why did I quit my last job?" I liked it there! I decide to quit this job to try to go back to my old one.

And then last night, I dreamed that I was watching this scruffy boy in ragged, baggy clothes. He has shaggy, blonde hair. It feels to him like he's being made fun of as he sits on a couch across from a trio of three well-groomed black girls, but that doesn't quite describe what's going on. Those women are genuinely disturbed about his being there. There are murders that have been happening, and they are really, really creeped out by this boy. They think they have evidence that he's involved. He might even be the murderer himself. But he doesn't take any of this seriously, because he can fly. What does he care about anyone else's concerns when he can fly whenever he wants? 

I experience his point of view as he flies through the cold, dark winter at night in the city. We fly until morning. He flies onto the highway in the middle of a snowstorm. It's chilly, but it's not too uncomfortable. He grounds himself at an exit on the highway, but it's not a problem for him to start flying again any time he wants.

I don't know what to think about the first dream. It felt like something really interesting was being revealed to me. I had a partner. I did okay with the lower levels of communication, but I felt how confusing it was to try to communicate with the woman telepathically, only picking up on impressions and intuitions she had. They were hard to separate from my own impressions and intuitions. I couldn't tell where she and I were separate and I had a hard time discerning what was true or not.

With the second dream, I had fallen asleep to a video of my horoscope. I always feel like the best astrologers are really good at blowing smoke up your ass. The horoscope was talking about how I'm going to have all this great stuff happen to me, but the reality is, my life is usually lame. It's certainly not the fulfillment of some grandiose fantasy about fame and fortune. 

It's the second part of that dream that really interests me. In the dream, I left a job I liked for a job I didn't like. I feel like I'm not in a secure place with my job right now. It doesn't feel like a stable, long-term option. But I think I'm really going to miss it when my time is up for the experience. Maybe I'll wonder why I ever left.

And then the third dream about flying was a mixed bag. It was tons of fun feeling what it was like to fly, but it was very uncomfortable feeling as though I was being suspected of murder. But I was living a happy life doing stuff I loved, so it just didn't matter how people viewed me, or what trouble I might be in. This carefree feeling is what it's like for me in real life sometimes. I just love my life writing things. There have been times when that was all I had. Sometimes, it's enough. It can carry me through a lot.

I was watching a very woo woo podcast on Mayim Bialik's YouTube channel, and her partner, Jonathan, said that he had a dream about flying last night. I thought it was an interesting coincidence since I don't often dream about flying. So I thought I'd take the time to document my dreams today.