DREAM
I'm staying by myself in a friend's gorgeous, spacious New York City apartment. I love this place, but I'm alone, and there's a background of fear all the time in my mind as I worry about the apartment being broken into--especially at night.
Then another friend comes over, and we watch a movie on the couch together. She seems to have forgotten that she's gay. I remember, and I see lots of little markers in the things she says that might let her know that she's gay, but she doesn't recognize them. I don't think I should tell her. I don't think she's ready to know yet.
INTERPRETATION
The friend who doesn't remember that she's gay part is a little bit of a mystery to me other than perhaps recognizing friends that have wished to not be gay and sometimes try to forget that that's a significant aspect to who they are.
But the part about being terrified in an apartment feels very connected to my real life right now. I go through cycles of intense anxiety. It started after my first really big bout of psychosis. I'm going through another anxiety cycle right now. I just keep reminding myself that I'm dedicating myself to living a life that doesn't include an unnecessary amount of fear.
I've talked this out with my therapist, and in my opinion, nothing is worth going through level 10 anxiety. Maybe level 5 anxiety is okay in some cases just to keep me alert and energized. But anything above a 5 is something I want to recognize within myself and address with things like mindfulness, digging into the root causes of the fears, exploring the worst case scenario, reminding myself that it's counterproductive to fear suffering and pain (it will come, and you just have to learn to become an expert at managing it), and deliberately releasing tension in my body with awareness, exercise, or meditation.
It's sometimes very hard though.
