My wedding is a celebration of myself. (dream)

 

Image by Midjourney

DREAM

I'm in an apartment waiting for my best friend and his husband to return to our place. It's a special day for me--it's my wedding day! They're supposed to help me celebrate! 

They come back to the apartment with a pet rat in a Tupperware container. I find that to be a bit odd, but whatever. It's pretty cute. I just didn't expect them to buy a new pet while they were out. 

Then I start dancing. There's no groom. I'm celebrating being married by myself today. 

INTERPRETATION

I think I've gotten very, very used to being single over the years. I definitely prefer being single to having to deal with anyone I've ever dated except one guy. Not worth it! 

I think I'm done. I may have married myself. 

Originally, I wrote a little rant about what I think about the people who I've dated in the past, and as you might guess, I wasn't talking about how great most of them were. That got me thinking about how some Buddhist writers are really against blaming others for our own misfortunes. I decided to consult ChatGPT about that, because weirdly enough, the chat bot is quite good at giving spiritual advice. 

It just didn't make sense to me that if you know why something shitty happened, you should avoid assigning responsibility to a specific person. If you're the manager of a company, you should definitely restrict, retrain, or fire someone who makes a very big mistake. So why should you make an exception for your spiritual life? 

First of all, I think blame has a different connotation than simply assigning responsibility in these texts. Blame suggests anger. And people have their reasons for why they do things--often understandable reasons, if you were to dig deeper, even with the business analogy. Maybe instead of just blaming the employee, you need to change the system they're working in.  

But I think the most significant reason to avoid blaming others for your personal  misfortunes is the idea that you are responsible for your own part in every interaction. And this is actually quite liberating, because it means you always have some little bit of control. 

I think Buddhist writers suggest avoiding blaming others because of karma--the idea that your future will inherit the circumstances you create in the present. You always have some hand in creating those circumstances.

In terms of dating, in the past, I think I've done things to attract and retain bad people in my life. The main thing I've done is to tolerate. I think that all you have to do, really, is tolerate toxic behavior, and toxic people will end up playing a prominent role in your life. And I've reacted badly to those bad people when my reactions are within my control, making things worse. And I haven't always taken action to find better people to replace the toxic ones. So now I'm single, and I don't have a wide circle of influence. 

But it's actually a really good thing. I've learned that it's far, far better going it alone than being with someone who drags you down--which, for me, has been a lot of people, if not most of them. So I'm quite happy and content with "marrying alone." And I really treasure the good people in my life, like my friend and his husband, because they're so very rare and precious. 

Watching my friend miss her chance and reclaim it too late. (dream)

Image by Midjourney

DREAM

I'm looking at an elderly relative of a neighborhood friend I had while growing up. She's in the garden of my back yard. She berates my friend, saying, "I just wish you'd done that role!" 

My neighborhood friend's face appears on a light blue screen. She's quite elderly now too. Her hair is gray, and she has many sags and wrinkles in her face. And she wears a scarf. But she seems so hurt and motivated by her elderly relative's disappointment in her. 

She gives an incredible performance of a role that she was supposed to do as a young woman. There's so much passion in her face and voice. Every line is delivered so far and above what one would expect from the writing. It elevates the script to something it probably wasn't before. 

But as beautiful as this is, it's also tragic to watch, because you know this performance which has been refined almost to perfection is decades too late. The audition for the role in the film is long gone. 

INTERPRETATION

I seem to be developing a dream theme of: "I missed my opportunity, and it will never come again." I say this because this is the theme of the ballerina and Louis C.K. dreams I just had too. 

By the way, although $100 is too much for me to spend on something that isn't directly tied to my survival right now, I did spend $5 to watch the show, and it's incredible. It's so funny. I am laughing out loud frequently and consistently throughout the whole thing, which is very unusual to do at all. You especially notice how unusual it is to laugh out loud in front of a screen when you realize how much scrolling you do, how many really solid jokes you pass, and how silent you are the whole time.

I think I might be developing this theme because I've been taking so many tests for the past several months. You only get one chance to get every answer correct before time is up.

But I think that in this dream, I'm mixing that test-taking idea with the idea that life only happens once. And it's so easy to passively watch life pass by without risking anything personal. I guess I worry that I'll regret not pushing myself harder, creatively-speaking. 

I am star struck and miss my opportunity to make an impression. (dream)

Image by Midjourney

DREAM

I'm supposed to meet my best friend and his husband at this large mall, but I only see the husband. I touch base with him, and then I go to change my clothes in the bathroom. 

I'm mid-change in a very, very short bathroom stall where you can see everything, when a small, young Asian woman walks in holding a resume. She seems really discouraged and says, "I can't believe the positions that require a professional degree these days!"

As she talks a little more, I'm directly under the impression that she applied for the job I trained for with my master's degree.  

I say, "You know, I got a master's degree in that field, and it's really easy to earn." (I edited this dialogue to conceal the name of the program.)

She seems to think things over, and leaves me to do my thing.

Unfortunately, I turn around, and I'm completely confused about where my clothes went. My brown skirt with little brown lace accents is still hanging there on a hook, but the top seems to be missing. It takes about 10 minutes for me to figure out that my top is there--it's just not the top I remembered bringing. It's tie dyed neon yellow and pink.

I get changed, and hang out with the husband while we wait for my friend. He eventually arrives, and we go to the main event: meeting Louis C.K.

We aren't just meeting him--we are having a private, one-on-one dinner with the famous comedian! I sit at the table with him, and he is so personable and affable. And I just go completely blank. I desperately want to say something that will make me useful or helpful to the man--something he would like me for, or remember me for, but nothing comes to mind no matter how much I scramble for conversational material. 

There's a newspaper on the table advertising other acts in the area, and one of them mentions Batman and a dog. Didn't Louis C.K. do a comedic bit with Batman? He did, and it was one of my favorites! Can't I think of something to say about that?!

I just watch, helplessly, as Louis C.K. smiles and talks like a normal, friendly human being to my friend and his husband. I have nothing to say and I'm almost starting to panic about not taking this opportunity to describe how much his work impacted me and how much I adore him. He gets up and leaves the table for a moment, and it's just a sad preview of the future when he'll leave for good and I'll have missed my opportunity.  

INTERPRETATION

The thing I take away the most from this dream is how I really wanted to buy an autographed poster from Louis C.K.'s website. It (is still) only $100 (you can see the deal here), but I felt as though it would be irresponsible for me to spend grocery money on something I really don't have the space to frame and hang up anyway. But it feels like a missed opportunity to support one of my favorite celebrities and get something really cool in return. 

Also, my master's degree still feels kind of senseless. I don't see why organizations will often require these super expensive degrees. It seems unnecessary to me, and I regret my life choices sometimes (often).

Excited about experimenting and sharing what I love. (dream)

Image by Midjourney

Happy St. Patrick's Day (or, more likely for you, a day or so after St. Patrick's Day)!

I wish I'd planned a little better for this holiday! I would have found a good recipe online and gone to the store and bought some corned beef and cabbage. Instead, I just played around with some St. Patrick's Day prompts on Midjourney. 

DREAM

I go into an old, independently-owned music shop. One of my favorite people in the world is there. He shows me something he's been working on: a stringed instrument that has little purple "socks" over the strings. He plays it for me. He pulls the socks down at different times, and the instrument makes different noises. I'm surprised! That's pretty cool. He is very original. 

I look around a little more and something really catches my eye: paintings done with a red-orange paint that almost seems to glow on the page. I would really like to experiment with that color, that texture, that material myself. I make a mental note to look for it at the crafts store next time I'm there.

But I have to leave because I have a presentation to do. I'm going to offer a presentation in front of a large group of people about one of my favorite characters: Seven of Nine from Star Trek: Voyager. I'm a little embarrassed, because I'm not sure who else will like this character, but I'm also feeling great about being able to share what I know just because I'm passionate on the topic. And that turns my nervousness into excitement and some degree of confidence. I go into the large, futuristic, Cathedral-like room and make my way to the front with my notes.

INTERPRETATION

I think that ever since I left California, I get these occasional urges to experiment with artistic materials I find really beautiful or interesting. I think I used to be much more excited about the concepts in my artwork than playing with physical, sensory materials. Now, especially with the advent of AI art, I think it's more important that it feels good to make your art instead of making it look incredible. 

The person in the music shop is one of my favorite people in real life too. It's very uncommon for me to meet someone and almost instantly have this great, amazing feeling about them, but I think I felt that way about him within 30 minutes of being in his presence. And I haven't felt conflicted about adoring him in the many years I've known him now--also very unusual for me. 

I also think I'm getting a little less embarrassed about sharing the work I do, which is a great feeling. But in real life, it's more like taking little baby steps rather than confidently striding down a great hall with notes in hand. 

Dream Diary giveaway this weekend! March 16-17 PT. (news)

Hey, everybody! 

I goofed! I did not download my own books for Kindle when I was doing free Kindle giveaways. So I need to run giveaways to pick them up now.

The first and second dream diary collections are going to be free to download this Saturday and Sunday (March 16-17) from midnight to midnight, Pacific Time. 

These two books are just collections of blog posts like this one, so if you like reading my dream blog posts, you might like these "archived" posts!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00SQI9ZFO

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BZXNMMMQ

Surprise! My first audiobook is now available! (news)

After over a month of work, I am excited to present to you: Satyr Plays -- the audiobook!

This audiobook is 3.5 hours long, narrated by me, and is currently available on Amazon's Audible app/website for $14.95 USD (Audible sets the price).

I've been told that hearing me read adds something to my writing, so even if the book doesn't appeal to you, you can listen to the audiobook sample to see if a performance might interest you more than words on a page.

Just a warning: I thought I was done with tragedy until I played back my British accent. You've got to cut me a break on that--it's either me doing a really strange RP/Scouse/American accent mix, or nobody. 

https://www.audible.com/pd/B0CXZC3SFK/?source_code=AUDFPWS0223189MWT-BK-ACX0-390413&ref=acx_bty_BK_ACX0_390413_rh_us

The glittering ballerina, floating in space. (dream)

Image by Midjourney

DREAM

I enter a large university, and see a friend from a job I had a long, long time ago at the front desk. My tongue swells to the point that I'm constantly chewing the sides of it. I try to stop, but I can't. 

My friend is overflowing with excitement and enthusiasm, and she convinces me to take ballet, because I've always wanted to. She says I won't live forever. 

She drives me to class in an open jeep as the building is falling apart around us in huge, concrete chunks. The sky is space, and I see a large projection of a glittering, pink ballerina floating in front of me. 

I really get the sense that life is short, and I am glad I'm living it to the fullest while I can.

INTERPRETATION

There's a part of this dream that's straight-forward, and a part that I'm not so sure about. 

I've wanted to take adult ballet classes for many years now, but I'm intimidated because of my weight and age. After this dream, I'm starting to wonder if I'm really going to regret not doing it!

I think the crumbling building symbolizes how we're coming a little bit closer to death every day.

But the swollen tongue I kept chewing on is strange. I woke up and did not have a problem with my tongue. Once we rule out a literal, physical problem intruding on the dream, I think the interpretation that leaps to mind first is that words are being held back. But in the dream, I didn't feel an urgency about saying anything. 

Maybe the tongue is more a symbol of a health scare, and doing what you can in spite of failing health. That fits in better with the themes of life being short, and the crumbling building. 

For me, one of the strange things about getting older and realizing that some of my parts are starting to wear down is the increased sense of peace and gratitude I feel, generally-speaking. Maybe it's because I've learned to manage my mind and body better with time. Maybe it's because I have the comfort of stable relationships I can rely on. Maybe it's because I have enough statistical information to realize things usually work out fine. Or maybe it's because I realize things are coming to a close, and there were, and will always be, a lot of very simple, ordinary, nice things about the experience of living to focus on. Maybe it's all of those things. But in the dream, I felt that same kind of peace and excitement--amplified, in spite of the building collapsing.