Straddling being an INFP and an INTP. (dream)

Image by Midjourney

DREAM

My modern art museum house is burning down, so I strip a painting of its gold foil, so I'll have some money. On the art, the foil is in a small, pouring, glass hourglass--crumpled like tiny Hershey Kiss wrappers. I crumple it all up together, and it's like it used to be a whole sheet. I take it with me on a journey. I'm in long, all-white robes--light for the summer, and I wear white shorts underneath.

As I walk outside in the sun, I pass by a huge parade of Chinese costumes worn by beautiful women with long, elegant necks in white and pink paint.

I forget where I stored my gold. I check my shorts. Still there. 

I'm in a library now. I'm dressed in a black pea coat. I'm on my way out the door, passing the checkout desk.

I can see and hear a male librarian at the desk talking about a senior citizen who is so lonely that he has literally lost his mind. And coming to the library helped him become a little less lonely and regain some of his sanity. 

"And the first thing he asked for was a book on theoretical physics." The librarian slumps over. "Why?"

I understand this to mean that in our society, some of our minds with the most potential and the most energy are suffering under unnecessary constraints. Things like loneliness. It's a waste of life. Why.

I suffer too. I lack time. I waste my time trying to make money. I'd like to check out books on theoretical physics too, but our society values money a heck of a lot more. I feel a sense of pride and yearning about this aspect to my identity.

The library lobby is expansive. The floors are mauve and smooth and have little chips of a darker color in them. 

As I walk to the exit, I consider some things more deeply, like the recent time I entered a playwrighting contest and lost and decided that writing was a waste of time. 

An inner voice starts speaking to me loudly. "You don't value your NFness enough. It's fine for you to idealize your NT interests. There's nothing wrong with that. And you seem comfortable doing it. But when it comes to your NF interests, you're willing to discard them. But your NF side is important too."

This seems like a divine message and I consider it deeply.

I consider how writing that play may have benefitted me. Maybe I learned something about personal expression. Maybe I learned some things I can incorporate into a different project. 

I was just thinking about how not everything is about money. I guess that's fine for me when I think about doing physics, but I just ignore that when it comes to creative writing--which seems inconsistent.

After I walk through the RFID detectors of this beautiful library, I pass by several stores, including a place called "Sound Bar." They sell pancakes with a fluffy spread in the middle along with audio equipment. I remark at what a novel combination this is. I'm certain it helps them to be loved and remembered, and that seems so important to me right now.

INTERPRETATION

Yesterday, I finished the rough draft of my first memoir. I intend for it to be one of three books. And last night, as I was going back over the document, I ended on the chapter about my physics tutor.

I think all the time about how I need to be studying for more IT certificates instead of investing even more time in writing--which is something I've been doing pretty consistently for about 14 years now. I see no material returns from this investment in writing. The only returns are buried deep in my soul due to the power of organizing and articulating my thoughts and feelings. It's hard for me to get over that lack of material benefits for some reason--maybe because of internalized capitalism.

Writing this memoir has taken a lot out of me. It was very hard to do. But I'm proud of this achievement. It feels incredibly validating to have my perspectives on paper and to read excerpts out loud and get an audience reaction. I feel love and compassion radiating from people when I tell my story. It's a high. And I feel like this was something important for me to do.

In spite of these feelings, I lack confidence in the value of doing what my INFP instincts are driving me to do.

Myers-Briggs is another component of this dream. I often test as an INFP, and the description fits me pretty well, but sometimes, and not infrequently, I test as an NT. I'm pretty certain about that IN, but the T versus F is something I don't think I have a consistent preference for.

I met someone else like me in this respect, and it's interesting to observe him. He used to test as an INTJ, but over time, started testing as an INFJ. I can see both in him. He has some of the vulnerabilities and strengths of each, but he doesn't fit neatly into a Myers-Briggs stereotype. So I know I'm not imagining things; people like me who straddle both do exist.