My epiphany for the weekend. (rant)

Image by Midjourney

This weekend, after suffering heartbreak, then being lifted up by so many friends and fellow creators, and then having my sexual boundaries intruded upon, I have come to an epiphany. Love is the most abundant material in the universe. Why do we treat it like it's scarce? Why do we think that only one person can give it to us? That intimacy and connection can't happen in a variety of ways? Pick up a pen and write. Love can come to us from so many directions. We just can't be picky about the form it comes in.

And we have to release our desire to control others. The more we grasp, the faster they run anyway.

I realized that there was someone whose journey I would have liked to intertwine more intimately with mine. But I doubt that will happen now. He's the same beautiful person who made me feel so intrigued in the first place, but I have to manage that disappointment.

And then there's someone else who knows nothing will ever happen between us, but he keeps persisting. You know you're not getting that type of love from me. There's nothing ambiguous about it. So look for that love and connection in someone else. There's abundant love in the universe. 

Naked at work. (dream)

Image by Midjourney

DREAM

I'm at work. I sit in a chair next to a coworker's desk and pull out my phone. I start to scroll, but it's only then that I'm aware of my nakedness. It surprises me, but I feel calm and still. It's okay. I don't mind being naked with him and the other coworker beside him. I continue to act naturally. I keep scrolling.

INTERPRETATION

A couple of months ago, I was experiencing a really difficult situation at work, and I came to this particular coworker in a panic. I didn't even think about what I was saying or how crazy or unpopular or stupid or wrong it might make me look. I was totally in the moment because I was having an internal crisis.

I don't exactly know why I went to him in particular. But I know that this particular coworker will give you his focus and attention when others won't. He listened to me, then gave his opinion, which guided me through the crisis. And in the long run, he ended up being correct. In the short run, he calmed my nervous system. 

I'll always be thankful to someone who made me feel comfortable when I was suddenly naked. I'll always be thankful to someone who doesn't make me feel ashamed after I've been naked. 

I think the thing about being naked in front of someone else that's scary is how that person will know every detail of every odd, organic little thing. And every odd, organic little thing can cause an instinctive, visceral reaction--good or bad. But that unique, organic mess is really what makes life interesting and beautiful. I'm in a place where I'm learning to accept that.