My baby asks me a challenging question. (dream)

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DREAM

I'm going on vacation, and my friends are going to babysit for me. (Well, they'll help me watch my infant at least.)

We go to a train station, and I get on a couple different, short trains. It's a gray, dark, misty day. 

Then we go to their house and start playing video games. I find myself to be a character in the game, swinging off of an exploding helicopter. 

I come back to my real self and hold my baby. 

I start playing video games again.

I put the controller down, and then I hold up the baby over my head. He's grown older. He has a full head of strawberry blond hair. But he's no older than a very young toddler. He asks me, "What is a mind?" 

I'm not sure how to answer him. It's hard for me to define it. I just go with something simple, and say, "It's like thoughts." 

INTERPRETATION

I didn't really notice this at first, but I've been thinking a lot about the mind and soul lately. I wonder if a human being can have an indestructible essence. I kind of want to think a person can, yet I'm inclined to think a person doesn't. I've had experiences with psychosis, and my entire being is completely different under that amount of stress and paranoia. I no longer felt like me, although I would still have feelings. And real acts of kindness would always be able to poke through the overwhelming fear. But who would be the "me" to live on and on and on? Hopefully not that ill version of me. 

They think that either antipsychotic medication or the disease of schizophrenia lowers brain volume over time, and I wonder what that will mean for who I am and my quality of life in my 60s or 70s. I've learned that you can't just expect statistical likelihoods to apply to you, because everyone is impacted differently by disease and medication. So I'm not sure what the future will hold. All I can do is make the most of the functionality I do have right now--which is the same position we're all in, I suppose.

I know people with severe dementia. I'm not sure what their own experience of life is anymore, but all of a sudden, they can't be who they were to me. 

What does it even mean to be who you are though? Is the mind something that just encases and channels these drives we have based on our chemical composition? We know that everyone's brain power and speed dwindles with age. It's just a matter of when and to what degree. So at least in that one aspect, you're no longer yourself as you age. I suppose that means you're no longer quite yourself if you learn something new, too, because you've grown new connections in the neurons of your head. But that's not a bad thing. Who are you if you're always changing? 

I consider myself a convert to Buddhism, even if I do things I should not still--but some traditions believe you have an essence that survives and perhaps reincarnates. Some Buddhist traditions suggest that it's not important to know or prepare for what happens after you die, because that's not where your focus should be. Your focus should be on how best to live here and now. 

I think that's the most sensible position to take, but I like to consider the possibilities too. And I also wonder if there's a way to prepare for mental decline by really making mindfulness and other valued  perspectives and principles a subconscious habit. I doubt that would be enough to eliminate the irritability that seems to come with dementia. I've seen very, very sweet people go completely against their usual personalities after dementia hits. But even if it can only be for the here and now, it has to help. 

Dreaming up a new short story. (dream)

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A couple nights ago, I had a dream I keep thinking of.

Sometimes, I'll dream about my Lost Atlantis/Satyr Plays characters. Most of the time, it's not usable material for a real story. For example, I once had a dream that Sandi and Matt went to a movie, and when they came out, there was a giant octopus monster attacking the city. That just doesn't fit in with the universe I made for them in waking life.

But this time, I really wonder if I could use this for a story. 

The premise is simple: Shem decides to wear black eyeliner one day. Sandi goes bananas over it. She thinks it's incredible. Matt is uncomfortable about everything related to this. And the dream explores the social implications of this.  

Should I turn this into an actual short story? I am writing Satyr Plays 2. I've got the first or second drafts of about thirteen short stories right now. I just need a couple more stories to meet the same word count as the first Satyr Plays. 

It's weird to me that if you look at the stats, more people online seem more interested in the dramatic version, whereas the people I meet in real life seem to like my comedy better. 

Well, I have no time for either serious or silly creative hobbies, unfortunately. Every day this summer, I've been scrambling to do everything on my to-do list. Being busy often means I'll remember fewer dreams. If I go to sleep and wake up in a leisurely way, I can spend time laying in bed thinking of what I dreamed about, and can form my thoughts well enough to write them down.

Oh well. This dream diary was never really something I planned to do the way you plan and commit to a novel or a hobby. It just started to get interesting for me to explore my dreams and go back later to remember my life. I recommend trying it for yourself.

Elon Musk fears for his life everywhere he goes. (dream)

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DREAM 

I'm watching Elon Musk as he does ordinary, everyday things like go to the cheese aisle of the grocery store, or drive to Walmart. Everywhere he goes, while doing everything he does, and even while traveling with a crew, he's afraid of being shot. 

INTERPRETATION

I think this is a projection of my own fear as I go about my life doing everyday kinds of things. But I think the dream also points out that no one, no matter how rich, is safe if there are neglected corners of the world in which people are suffering. We live in an interconnected universe. 

Then again, Elon Musk certainly doesn't put himself in danger by driving himself to the grocery store to buy cheese. Or if he does, I'm shocked that he doesn't value his time more. I can get groceries shipped straight to my home. 

Visiting a giant hippie house. (dream)

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DREAM

I show up one night at a huge, home-like building lit with incandescent bulbs to meet with a friend. He's found the people he wants to dedicate at least the next several years of his life to: they're right here in this building all around us. I find him at one end of the building, and he greets me enthusiastically. He looks so happy to be here. 

We walk through the building, and he seems so passionate about the place. I meet with another friend, and we go off together to explore the place. There are cafes, stores, booths that sell crafts, and places to sit and talk. There's art on the walls. All around us, people are having interesting conversations--mostly philosophical in nature. Some of these conversations contain controversial content. But although it's uncomfortable sometimes, it's also fresh and on the cutting-edge of modern thought. 

A girl with pink hair comes up to me and my friends and seems like she's going to get in my face about something that really doesn't have much to do with her, and I'm intimidated, but she doesn't end up doing much but flash her attitude. 

INTERPRETATION

I discussed this dream with the friend in it, and he helped me realize that this dream is probably about the motorcycle violence inflicted on my car not too long ago. Because of that incident, I've been really considering just how badly I want to leave the house to get a cup of coffee. I associate all this hippie stuff like what was in the building in the dream when I think of my coffee shop habit. There's a little bit of danger when I decide to go out to this kind of place (the girl getting in my face in the dream and the motorcyclist in real life). 

Although it's tempting, I cannot allow myself to live in fear of leaving my house. Although there are always risks, it's not a war zone where I live--thankfully. A lot of the world is an actual war zone right now, which is tragic, and I'm very sorry it's happening. But I, personally, have a lot of freedom right now, and a pretty reasonable amount of safety, and it would be very sad not to appreciate and exercise that freedom while it's available. Because unfortunately, it's not available to everyone, and it's not guaranteed. 

Making cookies for school. (dream)

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DREAM

I go to work at a restaurant, and I'm very, very interested in the customers' opinions about things, even though it gets busy. I duck my head into the kitchen and when I come out, the dining area is exploding with customers. 

Then, I'm taking a class in which I have to bake cookies. I start off assembling some perfect lavender cookies for the morning round. But I have a second, later round to assemble too. I go through the pantry to see what kind of ingredients I have for a different type of cookie. I take out some things and start to think that I might be able to do some kind of "Western" themed cookie, but then I realize that I'm missing some ingredients, and the chocolate chips I have aren't enough. 

But I'm dreading leaving the house. I'm torn between really wanting to please the class, and wanting to say at home.

INTERPRETATION

I think the restaurant part of the dream is about how I went to a comedy show the other day, and I was really, really interested in observing the audience's reactions to the comedians. Something about it was fascinating, and wild, and unpredictable to me. I never knew quite how they would respond, and I really wanted to know how they felt and what they were thinking.

Then, I think the second part of the dream with the cookies is about how I'm struggling to muster up the strength and courage to leave my house lately. Because not long ago, I was leaving a coffee shop parking lot area, and I took a turn onto a street. This pair of speeding motorcycles came up behind me, and were angry because they thought I was too slow to accelerate from my turn. So after honking a bunch, they drove up beside me, and one of them started smashing his fist into the front of my car while we were driving. I laid on the horn until he stopped and sped away with his friend. 

I called the police, and I think if they really, truly wanted to catch these guys, they might be able to, because I believe there are cameras on all the main street intersections, but I just don't think they have the time and resources to spend on an event in which there was no physical harm (aside from a few, shallow dents in my old car). 

But this event has left me frazzled. I'm getting back into meditating because of it, which, I suppose, is turning lemons into lemonade. 

Meandering through Costco. (dream)

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First, I dream about Star Trek TOS. And it's all very clear and orderly, and the storyline is linear and makes sense. We're in the later renditions of the uniforms (from the movies). It's the perfect kind of dream to write about.

Then I fall asleep and forget all about it. 

Then I dream about going through Costco to give a young boy practice with getting someone to get a goldfish out of a fish tank. The young boy develops a crush on me at some point during my Costco meanderings, and expresses it in annoyingly immature ways. 

But by the time I get serious about getting the little boy his goldfish, the father and everyone else is critical of how I felt that my mind was on other things that I needed to explore before getting the goldfish. 

A man stands beside the goldfish pool. The goldfish he's gotten out for me is the size of a grizzly bear. It takes two people to move it out of a tub when I reject it for the smaller black moor goldfish.

INTERPRETATION  

I think the criticism of the father and the rest of the crew about my Costco meanderings is how critical I am of myself for getting distracted by other things while studying. I often wish I could just order myself to sit and study for a couple hours without the interventions of videos, and coffee, but I generally can't. I need a lot of breaks. 

I've started using the Pomodoro Technique to tackle a book I have to read and write about in a couple days, and that's actually been working surprisingly well with my meandering mind. But I do take bigger breaks than just 5 minutes. Switching tasks altogether tends to be more refreshing than just taking a 5 minute phone break. 

Invasion of the gamer friend. (dream)

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DREAM

I'm watching a guy talk to someone on his cell phone. He's talking to some unknown guy who is in the process of invading his apartment. He has no idea who this person is, but the invader just seems to be messing with his gaming system. The guy I'm watching is very busy, so he just wants this guy to get out of his apartment.

The invader sounds like he might be kind of high. He's rambling in a very casual, laid-back manner, and has some good points about the game (philosophically-speaking). 

The guy I'm watching gets home, and says, "I'm shutting my eyes. I don't want to know who you are--just go." 

But the invader insists on making himself known. He doesn't leave, and continues rambling. "Oh yeah-most importantly, you reminded me of this guy!" He refers to a Groot-like animated character on a winter background. He's holding up the picture. 

Of course, the apartment owner opens his eyes. It's a friend of his. He tries to ease the discomfort between them. I don't think he thought that what his friend did was cool, but he's not going to get bent out of shape about it. 

But then I see the movie he's making. He's rehearsing with a funny, female friend of his. It's a drama. I really like what the girl is doing. I can peer into her acting process. But his character gets shot on March 2nd, and I can't help but feel that the creepy invading friend is going to make something dramatic happen that day. The guy feels it too. He's worried. 

INTERPRETATION

Relationships are complicated. Even friendships are complicated. Your friends are probably going to do some things you don't approve of. And I think what's most scary about this is how you realize your ability to predict the future is clearly off. You had faith that this person was going to act in a certain way that doesn't offend your sensibilities, and they surprise you. Now you have to consider how what they're doing is going to affect your life and your limited time and resources, not just now, but in the future. But they could always surprise you again by changing. And there's always a chance that you're learning the wrong lessons when a person reveals themselves to you. 

I think this dream is just anxiety about that sort of thing.