I've really been struggling now that I've finished all the Lost Atlantis books except the last one. The thing that I get out of writing all of these books is some kind of answer about how to heal from developmental trauma.
When I started on this journey 10 years ago, I thought for certain that I would be completely healed of all my past traumas, and I would have some kind of sage wisdom to pass along about complex PTSD and its symptoms, like emotional disregulation, not being able to trust people, low self-esteem, hopelessness, etc. But now that I am here near the end of this writing journey, I find that I actually can't really comment on what it's like to be really deeply healed at the core.
This series is a complete fiction, of course. It's about a ninja assassin. And I just have to imagine what a thing would be like, and don't actually have to experience it. But I do feel as though I should have some kind of ability to imagine a time when I have felt the way a plot point would feel, and I just don't think I know what it's like to really, truly be healed from developmental trauma.
This is a spiritual and psychological crisis for me. I've been buying up books about trauma, conflict management, and anger management, and, unexpectedly, Buddhism. I've been increasing my therapy sessions. And as I go over these materials I really hope that I find some insights that I can offer in the conclusion of the series.
If I don't find a way to describe what healing from c-PTSD is like, and how to do it, I think there will have been no purpose in my writing any of the series. I mean, I created a character that was so hurt, and broken, and dysfunctional, and hard to tolerate, and now, I've brought her to a place where she's able to integrate, socially, very well, and form relationships, and self soothe. That's good, but it's kind of superficial. Where is that really deep change of the heart and mind that I was looking for? I just don't see how that's going to play out right now. As extreme as I went with just horribleness in the first book, I want to go that extreme with the other side of human nature with this character: what goodness, and peace, and rationality, and love look like. How am I going to do that? I don't fully understand right now.
I guess my greatest fear surrounding all of this is that I will read and watch and listen to a bunch of stuff and come up with something kind of cheesy, but okay to finish off the series, but that I won't really dig up something that gives me a sense of meaning about suffering through childhood trauma, or give a sense of appreciation for what post-traumatic growth is. Will I get those answers by the end of this series? I'm really not sure right now.
